Friday, November 13, 2015


Hello months and months have gone by. The ladies (as I call them) are awesome. I missed V's (#2's) 1 year, which came and went. I am only popping on to say that I finally caved to just closing the blog. It was my identity for SO long and, in fact, all of this felt so great to know what I needed to do and a place to just be. I have nothing like this in real life. I have like two "better than acquaintances" moms. E started pre-school. And I feel lost.

When having the kids was the drive, I had purpose. Everything after that was easy. Nothing else mattered. And now I have to shuffle the life cards and deal a hand. The number two priority, which was number one before children, is what I want from work. And at 42, this is a bit of a mid-life crisis. Some of which stems from realizing that I am one of the 2 oldest people at my work. The reality is that I have about 3 years to jump a level or be the 50ish year old tech granny working for Millennials. Which is as frightening of a future as a zombie apocalypse.

As for the crisis, it can't be solved with divorcing and marrying a 20-year-old hottie and getting a Porsche. With toddlers (as V has been walking since 9.5 months), I'm just trying to fit my career into the next 20 years. Internet startups might be a thing of the past. I know I'm not a stay-at-home-mom. At least my thought process went through that scenario and I have ONE thing figured out. But, I'll admit it's a hot mess in my head these days.

I only know that I needed closure here. Which is hard. It's the one place I felt like I belonged for so long. I don't really belong anywhere right now, but I do know that I've just changed. I'll get my goodbye in the next week. I won't write all that shit now because I'll start crying. Watching you all hop on mental trains and waving is gonna be hard. Because I'm sitting right here and you all are moving on as your stories continue to unfold in this space. I will lurk, for sure, but it's just not the same anymore, is it?

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Update, update, updatey update

I blame the Mo Willems books. E is all up in them and memorized them. Sweet moments between conflicted big girl tantrums and kisses to a very mobile little Elf. Girl started crawling just before 8 months and is very near walking. I. Am. Not. Ready.

My kitchen is torn up. I am eating from a freezer, microwave, paper plate combo, which is strangely manageable. I apologize in advance to the earth. It's my fault. Really. I will make it up by composting once my kitchen is done.

Kid-wise, my prediction is that littlest is going to walk and hate strollers, which I am very much a closet stroller enthusiast on the hunt for the perfect tandem for the big girl tantrum prone semi-walk everywhere, yet want to ride kid and the very much you-trapped-me baby Elf. I suspect that I will be de-hoarding and trying to figure out how to do all my outdoor walks/shopping without my hobo carts, I mean, strollers.

Kitchen is torn up because I am finally getting this redone. Cheaply. Which is turning out to be not so. Between still having a few sleep issues and asshole trades-people encounters, I'm just about to lose it most days.

I woke up this morning after having a dream that Tina Fey and I were commiserating about infertility. Which, she's not, which was rather flippant in her book Bossypants should you read that. But, in my dream, I remembered how hard all this was. I cried. The journey. It seems so fresh and yet so far.

That there is something all consuming and infuriating. And that that topic isn't having kids is really humbling.

Easter. The forerunner to Mother's Day. The day I used to endure a brunch with MIL going on and on. The 4 out of 7 years I was pregnant on Mother's Day. Pregnant with babies that didn't make it. That vast chasm of hurt. It's behind me? It is.

Life with 3K between us and MIL helps. No brunch here. Easter pizza. A nice sweet hunt for eggs. Lots of paper plates. A discussion about being ripped off by my a-hole of an electrician (who itemizes a bill with no fucking numbers? Who? How did you use 4 rolls of electrical tape and give me a bill for almost 3K? Arrrgh.).

On the plus side, kitchen is going to be pretty. And somewhat bland. We don't plan on being here long. Not that we will end up back in CA, but getting our kid into private pre-school means we need to really, really consider how much it means to pay for private education and plan for that before college. (I'm very pro-public schools.)

Sorry for the gap in attendance. Party. Woo. Fun. Hammers and, oh yeah, no sleeping more than 3 hour at a stretch. Much improved from 1.5, for what ever the fuck that's worth.

Saturday, March 21, 2015


So that was awful. You know the whole sleep a hundred years fairytale? We are living the opposite. Weeks and weeks of no more than 90 minute stretches. I know, because the Mr. got me a wearable activity and sleep tracker.

Why do I torture myself? I should take it off at bed. But mostly I don't. Stupid. I know.

I have lots on my mind. Hoping to find everyone well as I catch up.

Monday, January 12, 2015

So Long (and so long?) 5 year blogoversary

Five years ago, I had come to the realization that I wasn't doing too hot. Suffering my 4th or 5th miscarriage (so blase, no? who counts, really...)and struggling to find a place to vent. A safe place. It was all about me, really. A place for me.

And then a few people arrived to say hello. I felt less alone. In a world of so many people with so many problems, kindred spirits found this place.

I remember when I lost #6 and posted the most depressing news. That night, the Mr. and I curled up with lots of tears he and I read every single comment. Twice. It was that love. That kindness that fueled my hope that if I were strong enough, I might roll the dice and finally get lucky.

It happened. The great Ocho became a real live girl. The same girl prancing about my living room saying she doesn't like me (only daddy) and staring me down as she says "no" to almost everything I ask. Flip a page two more times, two more losses and Elf (the eleventh) finally comes home. Healthy. Alive.

I have been so pregnant for so long I feel a bit lost. I know we are very much done. I know that there is some collective damage to my body and mind after these years of battle. I know I am one of the lucky ones to actually bring home not one, but two mythical rainbow babies. Humble and sad. I have a hard time even thinking about those years in the trenches these days. Something I thought I'd never be able to do. Not forgetting, just kind of moving on.

I am in another limbo with what to do with myself. I can only bitch about my crazy MIL so much. I do have endless madness with girls acting all of their ages. I just had this DRIVE and focus for so long. I have plenty to occupy my thoughts with remodeling a kitchen on a tight budget with a heart full of want for nice things. I am painting, putting up crown moulding, planting a privacy screen, and trying not to kill a lemon I bought to raise as part of the family. Mr. Lemony the lemon tree, if you will.

What do I want to be when I grow up, blog-wise? How many effing posts can I have going, "waaaaa." It feels like every one I want to type. Parenting is so very public. Loss is so very private. I hate that it is, but it is. I chatted with another RPL'er about going public with some of this as a narrative of sorts. She said what was in my heart, "it's not something I want to define me." It does define me. All of me. I just don't want other people to define me by it. Selfish, selfish thoughts.

I do love people who hold on in this sphere. I read all of your blogs when you post. I get cranky when no one posts. Realizing how cranky you all are when I say nothing for so long. So, rather than everyone (including the three readers who are still out there) wondering whether I've just vanished, I'm going to take an official vacation from posting for the winter at least. I'll work on feeling this survivor's guilt and spend that energy on what's on the horizon for me to share.

So long, for now. I'll be lurking and posting comments, so write lots, please, yes, thank you.

PS. Thank you. All of you. Thank you. I really, really wouldn't have made it without you.

Monday, November 10, 2014

On Sleep (or lack thereof)

So 15 weeks. Yay! L is a smiling sweet thing who mostly likes to sleep.

That said, we have only had maybe one week of nights where we had only a 2x night wake up. Reflux and rock n play. Nights are just what they are. L is in that mixed up sub-four months normal sleep and I really can't complain. It is all brief in terms of life and I try to focus on the sweet fleeting newborn phase and less on how very tired I am.

All the stuff I learned with E, sorta need to do it this time around. Not talking sleep training, but I think some learning how to go to sleep on her own is in order.

I have already set the girl up to be better as her sleep cues are read and attended. She feels like she takes a bazillion catnaps, but really she does that and still almost always has one 2-3 hour nap. My god, what a gift when that nap coincided with E's. (Hence home improvements from mat leave.)

Some of what we endured with E was from my own selfishness. My baby was my only baby and very likely to be the only one. And there is some guilt n wanting to not have to rock endlessly and soothe,

Not now, as I am still rocking and soothing like a glutton for sweet wee babyness. The 4 month regression is on the horizon that heralds the 6 month and so on. Things I forgot until I remembered the night last week we were up 7 times instead of the usual 2. Perspective that made me realize that everyone sleeping is a good goal. Maybe a little sooner than the 1 year mark with E. That feels a long way from now.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Back at it

I have replaced blinds on 25 windows, bought, built and painted a kitchen island, prepped, primed and painted doors in our halls, built a changing table, a pantry and a bookshelf (meaning assembled when I "build") and have just this hot minute put drywall anchors in for our floating sink/cabinet that we had to replace in our yellow (and loved) potty. Repaired a much loved floor in our yellow potty. I put in a floating vinyl floor over hideous ceramic tile in our half potty and replaced locks and deadbolts for the house.

If you want to know how one Misfit spent maternity leave, well, the answer was bonding with glorious L, doling out love along with an alarming number of time outs to E, and a crap load of house shit.

The sibling rivalry issue is a biggie right now. More on how that is going when I have computer time at work NEXT week. Crap. Work. I miss being paid. I didn't miss work.

L is just amazing. She is my heart. I am blessed beyond my imagination on the anniversary of our move across country. I'm still a misfit with few friends, but wow, as far as life change from one coast to the next.

One handed typing has not aided my intentions for posting or editing for that matter. Pictures to apologize for my neglect.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014


I live with  someone  unhappy with me most of my day. I anticipated the infant would kick my ass, but no. The toddler is the one who is out to get me. I get sweet moments every so often. Yet a good part of my day is dealing with an epic voyage of emotional indecision.

"I want to go potty." I head towards bathroom with E. At the door. "NO, NO WaNt To GO POtty!" Inset any item for potty and repeat a dozen times a day.

Even with help from the nanny part of the day, I can barely manage to keep things from falling apart. Meals for the adults are a bit wacky and I'm grateful for overlapping naps to keep the toy layer at ankle deep. Parenting is humbling on many different levels. And I know that whatever this bit is will be short. L is six weeks? Smiling? It seems so slow hour to precious hour and suddenly I am halfway through maternity leave.

It feels a bit strange being " done"  with worrying about fertility things. I can focus on some weight loss and exercise and the other long term health concerns. It feels a bit empty all of a sudden. I have all this knowledge and no useful spot for it.

E will eventually exit twoish troll state and I will navigate parenting two miracles with (hopefully) less television and I will learn to balance these two halves of my world.