It's always been difficult for me to make new friends. I moved nearly twice a year every year until junior high and friendships have been hard for me to maintain and keep over the years. Most of my college friends married young and have kids. A few close girl-friends after college started dating new guys and were whisked off my list. Part of this comes from discovering that you are the friend who calls and writes to keep in touch. You decide one day, that you will just *not* make that call and wait. Suddenly it's two years later. Yes, I know. Sort of sad, right?
I've also really not fit in with girly girls, and had better relationships with my male friends. And part of the growing up is realizing that having a chorus of males on speed dial does not make for a happy relationship. I've had a few close work friends, but no real BFF beyond high school. I have tons of friends and acquaintances, but none that know me particularly well. It's funny, because it's not that I'm not extroverted, I am. It's just that I have real trust issues with people.
The other bizarre thing that I realized about the search for closer friends is that I attract crazy like bees to honey. If you are cool, interesting, and willing to be friendly with me, you must have some deep psychological disorder.
Case in point, my friend "Banana." She was outgoing, from So Cal, always interested in what I was up to and really fun to hang out with. We were good friends, close friends even, for about two years. And then, she interviewed for a job at my company that she didn't get (not in my control) and went off the deep end. I'd heard stories from old co-workers that she was threatening to sue our old company, was stalking her ex-boyfriend and had been arrested for a DUI all in a matter of a month or two. The funny thing is that I still tried to stay in contact. She flat out ignored me over two years as I'd occasionally write a note to say "Hey, Banana. You still out there?"
Most recently, a new person started at work. She was new to the area and was trying to meet people. Yea! A new friend opportunity. So, I went out with her to show her our town, listened to her stories at lunch, and became involved in her minor dramas. About two months in to this budding relationship, we were at beers when she told my husband that she gets sad when men don't look at her boobs. (Granted, her boobs are bigger than mine, but it's not enough where my man was thinking he's gonna get a little something he can't get at home.) The good news is that I've learned that the first sign of crazy usually leads to MORE crazy, not less. So, I'd cut social time from after work to just work. She's since left the company and I've been nice to try to keep up with her, but toying with the idea of dropping that connection all together. Mostly, as last week, she sent out an email to friends asking if anyone had extra antibiotics that she could have as she was getting a UTI. WTF?!? Ding-dong-CRAZY at the door.
The worst part of all of this RPL business has been seeing what closer friends I have, have babies and get even closer to other women who also have kids. It's not that I want kids to be part of the club, I don't. But, the fact that I want kids and I ought to have been commiserating about breast feeding and daycare right along with them doesn't help. I am on that ledge between groups again, but the infertiles are elusive and the crazies know no boundaries.
Loss and IF is a lonely club. Even when I meet with the RPL group, we are all very friendly, but mostly unwilling to exchange information. Trust me, I've offered. I only hope that I can just continue to put it out there IRL and recognize new friends as they come along. Otherwise, I need to check those crazy-attracting pheromones. It's like zombies and fresh brains. Too hard to resist.
Ah, yes of course I know exactly what you are talking about. Well, maybe not exactly, but close enough. I've decided that there must just be different concepts of 'friend' out there, and that most people have some concept that is something along the lines of 'disposable', whereas I am more of the 'permanent, preferably' school. And it has nothing to do with introvert/extrovert, because my brother is very decidedly an extrovert, as is my father, and both of them value continuity with several lifelong friends over a series of casual acquaintances. But other people, I assume, just don't want to be bogged down in a friendship past. To each her own.
ReplyDeleteI also tend to like people who question 'authority', don't mindlessly follow the rules of society, are fun and adventurous, are willing to live and let live (non-judgmental), and are willing to get into various scrapes and adventures without worrying about their image or their hair-do....
Thus, I have 2 best friends in AA, one compulsive liar, one nymphomaniac, and one 'normie' (my BF S who visited me a couple of weeks ago), who is quite eccentric but without any of these sort of major anti-social issues.
Well, at least they are interesting...
Maybe I ought to add "self-centered" to crazy. I,too, like interesting people, but somehow this kind if crazy doesn't have lasting two-sided relationships. The kind of crazy where they will call you when they are trying to post bail, but will nit answer the phone when you make that late night call! Seriously, non-family member to bail you out after getting caught naked and vandalizing your neighbors garage. That's friendship. And, that means I may have only two friends.
ReplyDeleteI've not been a crazy magnet, but I know people who are. It's weird!
ReplyDeleteI hate that feeling of being the only one to call in a friendship dyad. And I've spent so much time feeling sorry for myself lately that I've let some connections lapse. It's isolating.
I hope a couple fantastic real-life buddies come into your life soon.
i'm the same way. my close friends tend to have a serious deficiency of sorts. best friend A is a compulsive liar, just like leslie's, but i can see through her lies and call her out on them often, so she tends not to lie to me. just to others. best friend B is the LAZIEST person to have ever been born on this planet. best friend C is delusional.
ReplyDeletehubby hates friend A and C. even though he is not fond of laziness, he likes friend B the best, bc she's always there for me (mostly on the phone bc she's too lazy to leave home to see me).
hmmm, what does this say about me???
I understand. We moved a lot when I was young (six schools in eight years) and it was tough - especially when you are shy. I am sure this is the source of some of my trust issues, as well as difficulty making long term friends. I have about three good friends but they all live far far away.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the RPL thing - it's isolating.
I hope you find some long-term friends without the crazy soon.
I'm a crazy magnet par excellence. I like to think it's because we're nice, but I feel you on the friendship thing. I spent a lot of my 20s counseling a few very needy, very imbalanced people. There are still a few I can't quit, because I love them, but I think as you get older you just get less willing to put up with crap. There's a lot of crap out there. And much drama.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm also sad that I don't have a real-life friend to talk to about this. It's such an isolating thing. I have a few good friends but they happen to all be pregnant. Tough to broach the subject when someone is rubbing a big belly.
I found your blog through another that I read and I just had to tell you how much I can relate to this post...about making friends and about RPL being so isolating.
ReplyDeleteBwhahaha, I am one of the crazies, Misfits! You have attracted me and now I shall request bail and antibiotics and tampons at embarrassing and unusual times in weird and wacky places.
ReplyDeleteMeh, in actual fact I am fairly stable (now), very curious and deep and bored shitless by the inanities that seem to occupy the minds of 99% of the population (not IF related inanities, just all the rest).
Who knew that making friends as a grown-up was so bloody hard. And as for the RPL no groupy thing, it sucks to not quite fit.
Good luck tomorrow!
((hugs))
By the way ...do you have $5000 I can borrow?
Awww, I was thinking we'd be friends (as opposed to internet friends) if we met in real life (I know, you get that all the time...) but then I got to the part where that means I'm a PSYCHO. AS IF! Hang on, I gotta toss some food into this pit in my living room where I keep my collection of pregnant women.
ReplyDeleteRight, back now. Apparently it's very typical for women in their thirties to be struck by a diminished social circle. Makes sense--it's the time when you can find yourself on the outside of all kinds of experiences (marriage, parenthood, career success, the ability to do fine woodworking). The isolation that comes with recurrent loss has got to be extra special, though. I hope it is coming to an end. Lordy lord, how I hope that.