So my dear friend that was just on the cusp of T2 with the lucky monitor had that awful first OB visit. Her dream of number three is snatched by a heart that once beat strong and is no more. Two babies in a row without much complication once pregnant, only to lose a heartbeat in those weeks between appointments.
There have been too many ladies robbed of hope. Adele, who held my hand firmly through my own medically managed miscarriage and has been an angel in my RPL choir. Sloper, who has been such a voice of inspiration and strong support over the years.They have all had normal starts only to leave their own hearts crushed by losing the dream of this baby, right now.
The distance between my own losses had become far enough for me to have a few days where I almost forget what life used to be like before E. That hope that next time will be normal. Each step towards that normal takes you one rung higher on the hope ladder. You never get used to it. Never.
I expect that it gets different with a healthy baby under your wing. The overwhelming fear that you will never, ever, ever, never, ever be a parent is a ginormous one. But, at the end of the day, these are lost hopes and dreams. These were birthdays, +1's to family vacations, a plan for a new bedroom, or car, or career. These were wanted. Very badly wanted and now gone.
My thoughts are with all those lost children and I hurt for your lost hopes as much as for my own. Be well and be good to yourselves.
My heart goes out to all of these and those who haven't spoken up about their losses...having a healthy child changes things, but I don't think it's easier....just different....
ReplyDeleteReally sorry for your friend, it just seems all so cruel. But I can say that having one already with you makes a huge difference. Huge. The pain is no less of course, bu the sense of despair is mitigated. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI had 2 losses within 5 months after my 2 IVF babies and before I had my third child. It was devastating to me, but my other 2 children are what got me through it and reading your stories gave me strength.
ReplyDeleteMy third was conceived with that monitor and I held my breath I think every appt until he was born.
Kelley
Thanks, Misfits. It's tough, but different, but-- well, you know. We'll keep our chins up because that's all we can do, right?
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hope and encouragement for TTC go-round # let's just stop counting.
My heart is so heavy for these women, and all of us with lost babies in our past. Thank you for this beautiful post, Misfit.
ReplyDeleteYes I imagine that it is different as well, but still horrible. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for future losses, but you can't ever really be prepared, can you?
ReplyDeleteI felt sorry for these women. The only way to console them is that I have lost babies too. I have 3 miscarriages, one at 15 weeks. Doctor told me it's impossible to carry another to full term. Then I got pregnant for the fourth time, and spent all those months terrified that I couldn't have her. But she was born healthy and in full term. For me, that's a miracle.
ReplyDelete