I expected traveling to be hard on all of us. I did not think that the sleep disruption would have weeks long reprocussions. We went from almost all night sleeping to worse than newborn sleep. The Misfits were cracking under pressure. It was not pretty. And then E sprouted a tooth or three, and shot up 3 inches. Our skinny lass skipped 9 mos clothing completely, much to mama's dismay. I need 6 month size waists and 12 month size length. And my salvation has been? Two words. Leg. Warmers.
Work-wise, I have been going back and forth between seething and angry as hell. I get fired up to find another job and then realize that I'm working from home. E is 15 feet away most of the day. There are pros that outweigh the cons here. Perspective. I worked hard, yes, and I worked hard for other things, too.
My heart and mind are heavy. So manythings burden both that making a cohesive attempt at writing them down has been challenging. I mean, I say everything here, so finding myself wanting to edit thoughts is new. I consider myself quite plucky and I'm feeling decidedly not so much.
For now, I am chalking it up to my winter blues leading up to my four-freakin-oh this month. The power of positive thinking has robbed me of many years of mourning a few simple dreams. Grateful, yes, unbelievably so to be where I am right now. But sad, very sad to look back at the casualties littering the road here, too.
My heart and mind are heavy. So manythings burden both that making a cohesive attempt at writing them down has been challenging. I mean, I say everything here, so finding myself wanting to edit thoughts is new. I consider myself quite plucky and I'm feeling decidedly not so much.
For now, I am chalking it up to my winter blues leading up to my four-freakin-oh this month. The power of positive thinking has robbed me of many years of mourning a few simple dreams. Grateful, yes, unbelievably so to be where I am right now. But sad, very sad to look back at the casualties littering the road here, too.
Wow, 8 months already?? Where DOES it go?
ReplyDeleteI am definitely pointing a finger at winter blues here. Us California hothouse flowers can't take depressing winters, such as are found in the mid-Atlantic states and nothern Europe. I guess we adjust somehow. For next year, I'm planning a SAD light (or 5!) and a more regular regimen of exercise to help me get through.
Also, I'm sorry for the potent combination of 40 and past casualties. It really sucks when birthdays signify reduced chances for family building, and even more so when you have a wake of losses to consider. I'm thinking of you and virtually holding your hand as we try to imagine ourselves in a crisp February day on a California shore, paper coffee cup in hand, sun on face, light cool breeze carrying the scent of salt and kelp.
Happy ocho, Ocho! I can imagine her supreme cuteness in leg warmers, chirping away.
ReplyDeleteAnd damn, mama, I'm sad that you are sad and out of sorts these days. I see 40 coming towards me rapidly, and it doesn't feel too pleasant. But at the same time, 40 is something a woman earns. You have worked hard to be this smart and this wise and this accomplished. You can own that, Misfit.
And looking back with grief is necessary and healthy. Part of being a whole person is integrating our experiences, the good ones and the hard ones, into who we are. This is maybe your time to be doing that.
The winter blues are real, my friend. I've lived in cold-wintered places all my life, and I still feel them. But you will see--in about 2-3 months life will suddenly look GLORIOUS again. I love the natural rhythm to life the seasons provide, with this winter time for digging deep inside ourselves and pondering maybe the yuckier parts of life and then a beautiful rebirth in the spring.
ReplyDeleteTraveling somewhere warm is also key.
Big birthdays-- gosh, they loom so large. But are never quite as awful in retrospect. So there is that: the anticipation will invariably be worse than the reality. If that provides any consolation.
I'm right there with you on the fore oh. Blurgh. I hope things look up soon all around.
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