Friday, March 7, 2014

Blues

I am on the cusp of 17 weeks with Elf and I can count the people who know outside of the interwebs boldness on one hand. I promised myself that I'd embrace a second pregnancy in the T2 world with heart and soul. I said to myself that we'd start to tell people after 12 weeks. That came and went. I am now looking towards 20 weeks with more optimism.

Work. Major changes went down in the last few weeks. A few folks junior to me were pushed up the ladder all of a sudden. The title changes had nothing to do with performance, but more from the strategic short-term goals. It looked good on paper for this part of our business. The outcome of all the changes means my department of 8 is now down to 3 people. Funny thing is that one of the three is 4 weeks MORE pregnant than I am and everyone knows she's leaving on maternity leave. (Something I am thrilled about being that I told her she was pregnant before she knew...in fact, it was my stubborn belief that made me send her the internet cheapies to prove said fact. A hard won pregnancy if ever there was one.)

I know you aren't supposed to discriminate against pregnant ladies, but it's kinda hard to prove unless it's obvious. I'm long overdue for a few things. I don't plan on telling work until I know exactly how promotion/raise season plays out. I have already made up my mind to make a go solo. Perhaps the insult of being passed over and ignored (driving the largest $ for the company ever in it's history) will make it happen.

I do know any promotion is out at this point. When I don't get a raise, it will be a wonderful time to let them know that I will also be on maternity leave and that our department of 3 will be 2 in July and 1 in August. Hiring someone to manage just those 3 months I'm out will cost them around 40% more in salary.

Life. I turned 41 last week. The Mr. and I indulged in fancy lunch out and sorta confronted the emotional wake of Winter's fury. We are both just depressed. Me? The hope/fear of pregnancy working out, acknowledging 3 years of excellent work without recognition, and dealing with being stuck indoors with a toddler for weeks on end. The pressure to just keep the house functioning sucks sometimes. Planning meals, getting house shit done, and not falling behind in work takes a toll. Not that I don't have some "me" time in there. It's just too much all of a sudden. Mr.? Winter, job dissatisfaction, lack of living in California, still not having many friends, not finding a house, to name just a few... We are working ourselves out of this. My only plan has been to find one thing each week that makes us happy. Each of us.

Family. SIL's birthday is 4 days before mine. Her daughter, my niece is 1 day before mine. My brother-in-law was a close friend before I met the Mr (his brother). He's known me for 18 years and went drinking with me on my 23rd, 24th, 25th and 26th birthday. The Mr. even reminded him two days before my birthday. You know they forgot, right? They wouldn't be called Clueless otherwise.

The revelation for me is that I'm no longer really irritated by them forgetting. Outside of their world, we don't exist. The visit to see family in the Bay Area proved how very alone we were even when we were close back there. We spent a week at MIL's house to spend time with the Mr.'s Nonna. 94 and looking like she wont' make it to Spring. We were an hour away from his brother and they didn't bother to come out to see us. Rather, we made the trip in to see them for 3 hours and come home. The Mr.'s depression was aided by the realization of how one-way his family can be. We lived 30 minutes from his brother for 6 years and he visited us 4 times. The effort of being family fell to us to the lifting. They enjoyed help from us for parties, moving, and random things, but only once did they help us with something urgent. When we moved, we called our good friends. Family wasn't worth the hassle.

The thing is that my MIL is always setting someone up to fail...to teach them a lesson. She's going to expect you to help with dishes and wait for you to see what you do. When you don't, she'll let you know she's disappointed. The Clueless's forgetting my birthday is a great example. She loves that shit. But, I don't want to be bitter for things people do or don't do. I remember my SIL's birthday because I like it when a few thoughtful folks genuinely care to remember. It's super flattering. Do I need everyone to? No. If I did, you'd find it on Facebook. The people that matter remember. My mom, dad, sister, husband, and a few close old friends. It's a blessing of abundance, really.

SIL sent around a note to let everyone know that her 10-week scan showed just the one baby with two arms and legs. My pregnancy has been largely symptom free, and hers has not. I know Elf is fine, but without some daily burden like nausea or headaches, I feel more the fraud. Mrs. Clueless is well on the far end of the other spectrum. Her pregnancy is an ordeal. The week they couldn't see us was because she was falling apart with anxiety and lack of sleep. This combined with really awful morning sickness made her a mess. I found myself uniquely unsympathetic. Which made me feel like a huge bitch.

Why no sympathy? It's because my pregnancies were all so hard won and most were hard lost. My attitude is that I would embrace throwing up and not sleeping the way that many of the ladies here have. When someone tells you what an ORDEAL a pregnancy is and how hard it will be to get through it, you find yourself thinking that the ORDEAL is really not being pregnant when your heart and soul yearns for that baby for years. The ORDEAL is going through some or all of those awful weeks and losing that wanted, needed child too soon. So forgive me if I feel that being pregnant isn't so hard at all in my contextual view. Yada, yada, pain olympics first place medal, blah, still...my non-judgemental yet very judgy judgy stick does come out now and then.

Yes. Universe, thank you for the cover of a vocal, needy pregnant lady to distract the Mr.'s family. Please let me find the right balance to tell the family without pissing them off by telling them later than they would like. Let me not care how offended they will all be by hoarding our secret just that much longer.

9 comments:

  1. 17 weeks! That is wonderful. I'm only sorry that it can't feel only that way, all the time - the winter slogs do indeed take time to shake off, even under the best of circumstances. I wouldn't feel much sympathy for your SIL, either, I don't think. May the universe provide all that and more - you keep Elf to yourself just as long as you need to!

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  2. OH! And, uh, happy belated birthday. My social graces aren't my finest attribute, clearly! :)

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  3. Yay for 17 weeks! And happy birthday!

    I'm sorry for the work suckage and family drama and, well, yes, pregnancy after multiple losses is HARD even after you have the baby in the crib. If it's classless of me to say this pain is different than that pain, well, tough luck to your SIL. I'm sorry.

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  4. Happy belated birthday. I think it is perfectly OK to keep Elf to yourself as long as you like (or can get away with). 17 weeks is wonderful. <3 For what it's worth, I think recurrent loss is one of, if not the hardest thing to deal with in the infertility/loss spectrum.

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  5. So happy to hear Elf is hopping along. This is great news. The winter blues are rough, but today was lovely, wasn't it? I hope you got out and enjoyed some time outside. I am also completely over the polar vortex. Blech.

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  6. Phew. That is a lot of stuff. But I'm glad that Elf is doing well, and sure, keep him or her hidden as long as you can get away with it. And happy belated birthday!

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  7. It's snowing again. SICK OF IT. I somehow imagine that once Elf is safely here, and I am going to talk about that as a reality, not because I'm dismissive of your anxieties, but because I like how it looks in print...you guys can start thinking longer term. Can we live here? How can we find "our people"? How can Misfit become the rock star self-employed bad ass she deserves to be? I don't know, like it's all been transition and just getting by for a long time (because, um, don't forget that you guys are just getting used to being parents) and there will be a time for making choices and moving life in the direction of better.

    I just had a fantasy where for some reason you and SIL were in heaven, drinking margaritas, and she made some quip about you guys using them as clock for when to have a baby, and God gently explaining to her that actually, you'd suffered so much and endured it all silently, which is why you are being named the Patron Saint of Habitual Aborters, and she has to go wash some angel robes.

    But that's a stupid fantasy, because ain't no way she's going to heaven.

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  8. I think you have amply earned the right to have no sympathy for SIL. But yes, thank you Mrs Clueless for sucking up all the air and attention in the room, and leaving Misfit the choice to be discrete about Elf. I like that you have that option.
    I'm sorry you've both been feeling so blue, you and the Mr. It's just that, gosh, you two have been through so much. Even happy things are listed at the top of the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. And then, there have been plenty of unhappy things too.
    I hope that the spring we have all come to believe is a fairy tale really does help you feel lighter in mood (but not in body, since you are growing a human right now).

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