Friday, March 21, 2014

Still here

19 weeks tomorrow. Scan next week.

I had read on a blog that I won't link to about blathering on about the pain of infertility not going away after you have a baby. Her point was that for her it did go away. I felt weird for thinking that for me it did not. It's been on my mind lots and I can't figure it out.

Except, it wasn't really the pain of infertility I experienced. Yes, having a baby is a salve to the wound of not having children. Of course it is. For me, the pain was more that I just felt eternally behind. I watched almost everyone have kids, pair off in happy places of parenting, whilst I lived a carefree life of unattachedness. I've been examining the parts that still hurt, even if it makes no sense from a logical perspective.

The Mr.'s grandmother passed away this week. We had gone to CA to see her last month. It was a sweet goodbye for us all. E would run and kiss her great-grandma and anoint her with Elmo stickers as we chatted with her each day of our visit. He'll head out to see family and attend the funeral. E and I will watch movies, do hair, and get our nails done. Or whatever the 2-year-old equivalent is of that. Likely reading Cat in the Hat (aka homeless usurper arriving unbidden) and throwing back some fortified whole milk while discussing the new habit of verb conjugation.

"E eat."
"Mama eating."

Yes, there are whole days where I am simply amazed at the luxury of being blessed with this funny, sweet, and smart kid. I feel the flutter of Elf and count myself a very lucky 41-year-old. There's a little mourning of the life I thought I'd have. In lots of way, the life I have is much, much better.

I did some job hunting and lined up interviews. I know I'm insane. Please tell me any stories of anyone you know who is wildly successful changing jobs in her second trimester only to come back from a few months off to have a baby and be an international super star. I had the great advice to just ask my current job to make an OBVIOUS title change and the salary adjustment that entails. Her words were, "if you were a dude, you would have already done this." True. But uncomfortable to say all that without an exit strategy. Funny when you think that I would happily demand that if I had an offer in hand to say, "do it or else I leave."

Okay back to the messy thoughts and chaos of day to day life. I'm a bad commenter and am apologizing upfront for just not being with it lately. Spring is here. I feel tons better from my last post. More soon, I promise.


  1. Well...for me the pain of infertility was definitely NOT the same thing as childlessness (or children-lessness, I suppose). I have the kid, but as a 41-year-old DE mama am definitely still infertile.

    Still with me, three years out. Sort of bugs me that that's the case but it is. So I hear you.

    Glad things are going better. And 19 weeks--woo-hoo!

  2. Different people, different experiences... I'd say lucky her if her child took (most of) the pain away. Even if we all label it "infertility", our journeys and scars are pretty different.
    Glad things with E and Elf are good.

  3. I might have been the one doing the blathering as I've been going through a lot recently. If it was or wasn't, I don't agree. I think that infertility pain keeps going on, even after you have a child. I think the community doesn't give that message enough- I think that some people think having a baby is cureall and I think that's a bad message. Sure, some of the pain of never having a child goes away after you have one but the pain of infertility keeps going. I have resolved the childlessness part but not the infertility part. I am trying to get there though. From what I hear from others (I am not there yet) it gets a little better after you feel like your family is complete and have more of a sense of control. I am not sure as I am not there yet. Re-entering the arena of pursuing #2 is really hard, as you are all too familiar with these days.

    Glad that you are feeling better and Elf is doing well. Good luck with the job search! Much love to you guys!

  4. So glad you're feeling better. I am glad for those IFfers who get to a happy place (however they get there) but definitely don't blame those with more complicated feelings (although I'm still in the middle of my journey and don't have much perspective, I know I'm one of the complicated ones.) Love to hear that E and Elf are doing great!

  5. I think everybody reacts to situations and processes things differently, so unless there is a solid point to convey, posts talking about how you dealt with it/feel about it all are often not too constructive, because eveybody is struck by how somebody else feels so differently from them. But sometimes, blogging is just about unloading whatever you have on your mind.

    So happy to hear about Elf's progress, and good luck with the job search! Can't wait to read about the scan :)

  6. Everyone's journey is different. Recurrent loss is infertility but not. Julia, who blogged her way through recurrent loss with so much sarcasm and laughter that people are reading her blog 6 years later religiously, says that she's not infertile, just happily ever after-challenged. It's worth thinking about. Having a child doesn't change the journey, even if it was the goal and you've reached happy. Glad you, E and Elf are well and thanks for the update.

  7. It's good to be a bit more specific about what exactly are the legacies of infertility once one has a babe in arms. I too feel that sense of being behind, and I'll add (for myself, not you), being old, and wondering what parenthood would have looked like when I was younger. I must say, it feels a lot safer to be "examining the parts that still hurt" on this side of the poker table, than it was when, as the metaphor you so aptly coined, the house kept winning. I am glad there is room in your heart and in your life to examine what infertility robbed you of, and that in doing this, your heart also grows more thankful for what you do have.
    It fills my thoughts with sugar plum fairies to think of you and the Mr and E and now Elf being a family. I know life is far from perfect. But I am really glad that you have a second child on the way. And one with you who sounds like a conjugating maven :)

  8. I'm glad you guys got to say goodbye to the grandmother--sounds like you brought some grade A joy into those days.

    If you said that you were "over" what you've been through, I'd be highly suspicious. I am not, and I feel like it was pretty trivial compared to your experiences. And like Augusta, I think a lot about the OLD part, and how these kids should be a couple of years older or I should be a couple of years younger...

    If anyone can rock a job change in T2 it's you, lady. I think they'd be fools not to hire you, I just hope one of these jobs is one you'd actually enjoy. You know, more than you enjoy being tormented by the FUCKERS at your current job.

  9. So sorry about the Mr's grandma dying. Endings are sad, but so lovely that you spent time with her recently.

    I'm not sure that any pain ever goes away really, I think it lingers but mutates, transforms, wobbles about being weirdly same same but different. And in my experience, having a child can't make up for those one didn't have. I spent a lot of time feeling left behind from my peers (for different reasons to you) and I still do. Perhaps that will change. Who knows.

    HALFWAY THROUGH! I am so incredibly delighted that Elf is now 20 weeks into his growth (1. 20 weeks cause I'm a late commenter. 2. I'm picking boy.)