19 weeks tomorrow. Scan next week.
I had read on a blog that I won't link to about blathering on about the pain of infertility not going away after you have a baby. Her point was that for her it did go away. I felt weird for thinking that for me it did not. It's been on my mind lots and I can't figure it out.
Except, it wasn't really the pain of infertility I experienced. Yes, having a baby is a salve to the wound of not having children. Of course it is. For me, the pain was more that I just felt eternally behind. I watched almost everyone have kids, pair off in happy places of parenting, whilst I lived a carefree life of unattachedness. I've been examining the parts that still hurt, even if it makes no sense from a logical perspective.
The Mr.'s grandmother passed away this week. We had gone to CA to see her last month. It was a sweet goodbye for us all. E would run and kiss her great-grandma and anoint her with Elmo stickers as we chatted with her each day of our visit. He'll head out to see family and attend the funeral. E and I will watch movies, do hair, and get our nails done. Or whatever the 2-year-old equivalent is of that. Likely reading Cat in the Hat (aka homeless usurper arriving unbidden) and throwing back some fortified whole milk while discussing the new habit of verb conjugation.
Yes, there are whole days where I am simply amazed at the luxury of being blessed with this funny, sweet, and smart kid. I feel the flutter of Elf and count myself a very lucky 41-year-old. There's a little mourning of the life I thought I'd have. In lots of way, the life I have is much, much better.
I did some job hunting and lined up interviews. I know I'm insane. Please tell me any stories of anyone you know who is wildly successful changing jobs in her second trimester only to come back from a few months off to have a baby and be an international super star. I had the great advice to just ask my current job to make an OBVIOUS title change and the salary adjustment that entails. Her words were, "if you were a dude, you would have already done this." True. But uncomfortable to say all that without an exit strategy. Funny when you think that I would happily demand that if I had an offer in hand to say, "do it or else I leave."
Okay back to the messy thoughts and chaos of day to day life. I'm a bad commenter and am apologizing upfront for just not being with it lately. Spring is here. I feel tons better from my last post. More soon, I promise.