I know I'm slowly turning into a mommy blogger. I would love to post all my crazy things about how awful strollers are designed and how I've found a nearly perfect one, just in time for E to not need it. I have spreadsheets of information at this point. Info that is useless on my blog of infertility. I found thatI really wanted to just reflect on how much life has changed in two years.
First, once a Misfit, always a Misfit. I'm older than most moms at the playground. I parent with saying "no you can't run in the street," let my kid enjoy a cookie now and then, and generally take E anywhere and everywhere our family goes. The conflicts in parenting styles seems large in my 'hood. E watches a few minutes of TV to distract her from nail cutting, dr. poking, or hangnail removal. I seem to have a small group of parents that abide by the no rules parenting style, which means I don't want playdates with the kids or the parents.
People are nicer here. My sister is visiting and on our morning walk to the cafe, I chatted with a few neighbors and even she said, "wow, people are just nice." This winter made missing California so vivid, but the life we led there didn't involve children. If being where we are somehow magically made children happen, it is worth a dozen blizzards and 100 feet of shoveled sidewalk.
I never thought it would be possible to think about an end to the infertility. I am always going to be one. Just a freakish sort of alum. It really dawned on me when Elfina hit viability. Two children. My children. Yes, much, much later than I ever imagined, but so much, much more than I ever dared to hope.
I traded earthquakes for snowstorms, lemon trees for cherry blossoms, and tiny rooms for room to breathe. I gained valuable distance from MIL and Clueless peeps and this little unit of family right here. My only regrets these days are that there are other women with RPL looking for answers. I know that I have no answers AT ALL for RPL, but damn if I don't know the questions.
It's this space that helped me learn to ask them. It's the wonderful internet friends who made the failures easier to abide. I still think about everything it took to get to this point. I never ever thought I'd heal. And I don't think some parts do, but the truth is that I just think about it less. And as Elfina gets closer to being a real live baby not living parasitically off my horribly uncooperative women parts, it fades just that much more.