Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Breaking on through

I know I'm slowly turning into a mommy blogger. I would love to post all my crazy things about how awful strollers are designed and how I've found a nearly perfect one, just in time for E to not need it. I have spreadsheets of information at this point. Info that is useless on my blog of infertility. I found thatI really wanted to just reflect on how much life has changed in two years.

First, once a Misfit, always a Misfit. I'm older than most moms at the playground. I parent with saying "no you can't run in the street," let my kid enjoy a cookie now and then, and generally take E anywhere and everywhere our family goes. The conflicts in parenting styles seems large in my 'hood. E watches a few minutes of TV to distract her from nail cutting, dr. poking, or hangnail removal. I seem to have a small group of parents that abide by the no rules parenting style, which means I don't want playdates with the kids or the parents.

People are nicer here. My sister is visiting and on our morning walk to the cafe, I chatted with a few neighbors and even she said, "wow, people are just nice." This winter made missing California so vivid, but the life we led there didn't involve children. If being where we are somehow magically made children happen, it is worth a dozen blizzards and 100 feet of shoveled sidewalk.

I never thought it would be possible to think about an end to the infertility. I am always going to be one. Just a freakish sort of alum. It really dawned on me when Elfina hit viability. Two children. My children. Yes, much, much later than I ever imagined, but so much, much more than I ever dared to hope.

I traded earthquakes for snowstorms, lemon trees for cherry blossoms, and tiny rooms for room to breathe. I gained valuable distance from MIL and Clueless peeps and this little unit of family right here. My only regrets these days are that there are other women with RPL looking for answers. I know that I have no answers AT ALL for RPL, but damn if I don't know the questions.

It's this space that helped me learn to ask them. It's the wonderful internet friends who made the failures easier to abide. I still think about everything it took to get to this point. I never ever thought I'd heal. And I don't think some parts do, but the truth is that I just think about it less. And as Elfina gets closer to being a real live baby not living parasitically off my horribly uncooperative women parts, it fades just that much more.

Who knew?


  1. Beautiful. So excited to hear you talking about your children. Who knew you'd be taken on multiple little ones. Thrilled to see you not just on the other side of RPL but thriving in your new world!

  2. I share those regrets, and I am so happy for the healing you have been able to find (has found you? both, I expect), yet I understand what you mean about the parts that might never feel even slightly scabbed over. Things have a way of poking themselves into those wounds, even when it has been longer than you ever thought possible that you thought much about them still being there. Cheers to change (to the better)!

  3. I love this post. It captures my sentiments exactly. I'm so happy for you and, while I'm not blogging, I'm still reading - all.the.time. It seems so many of the amazing women I walked the IF journey with are ending up with their happy endings. It really is fucking awesome. xo

  4. Sigh! I'm so happy about this. Earthquakes destroy. Snowstorms aren't easy, but they are gorgeous and cozy and can involve cocoa. I really, really want you to keep writing, even if it's sporadic. Because yes, your blog is a tremendous source of support for your RPL peeps, past and future. But it's also the story of your amazing life and your amazing E and soon enough, your amazing Elfina... I need to know what happens!

  5. So glad you are feeling well and all these considerations are shared by me too. I just read through my blog and the pregnancy I had with Martina, how can it be that once I was blogging about infertility, ectopic pregnancies, heartaches, hormones and injections? Was that really me? Of course I know it was but it is nearly a distant thought. Much love to you and Elfina.

  6. I think it is wonderful that you feel you can move on and think about things other than RPL/IF. I'm very happy for you. Your blog is fantastic and so full of humour and resilience.

  7. what a moving post. I vividly remember 5, 6 and 7. And finally ocho, who grew into E, in some magical, merciful way. And now Elfina. An equally precious gift.I attribute it mostly to your persistence. When I think of tenacity, I think of you first. You are more determined than most, and while this isn't always rewarded, it was in your case. And I couldn't be more glad for it.
    There is so much in this statement: "but damn if I don't know the questions." I think you have done a lot for the RPL community by sharing your story, and by supporting others. And even for those in the more general IF camp (I include myself in this category), having shared your story gave us hope, strength to keep going. Thank you so much for that.