Misfit Mrs.

23 Weeks In (and counting)

2012-02-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

I was at the office this week and sorting through a ton of work that needs doing. My boss was the only one who knew I was pregnant, and I'll say that maybe four other people who I told directly. I did catch curious glances at belly, but managed to avoid direct questions. Small mercies.Since our thumper started moving a week and a half ago, she's been non stop. I feel like a very lucky lady to be

Show and Hide

2012-02-01T13:23:00.001-08:00

Sometime over the weekend, Baby M found herself a nice spot to wiggle. While I might have doubted any such movement previously, there can be no mistaking the flip flop fish that has seemed to taken up residence below my belly button. She lives! Finally. (Twenty one weeks and 4 days in, the slowpoke.) I need to pinch myself every so often to make sure I'm not dreaming. The vertigo of failure

A Month of Mondays

2012-01-25T07:17:00.001-08:00

January is not my favorite month. Yes, it's my anniversary month, but other than that, there's not a lot to recommend it. It also leads into February and my birthday, which I've never been overly excited about. I like to be part of the party. Being the center of attention is slow torture for me. I told my boss last week about our bambina-to-be. She was so excited and told me that it's my news to

From If to When? Halfway Home.

2012-01-19T21:00:00.000-08:00

Last night, the Mr. caught himself saying "if this works out, we'll..." and then stated a correction that he'd have to stop saying "if" after the scan today. If things go fine, we will need to try to start thinking of "when." Not that we actually believe that it will work out, but we will have data that points to the odds that it most likely will. Despite the "misfit" heritage, we have a

Say Anything

2012-01-19T13:10:00.000-08:00

First, my sisters in RPL and infertility are never far from my thoughts. Please swing by Mrs Brightside's bog and lend kind words if you have them. The universe throws an incredible amount of shit and none of it is fair on the path to building a family. It's just too much.

The Hermit of the Amazon

2012-01-17T12:16:00.001-08:00

I would like to thank this coast for the mild winter so far. I am seeing my friends snowed in in Seattle and just find myself grateful to not have to figure that bit out just yet. We are prepared for snow, but just not as prepared as we could be. That we missed those years of snowmageddon is a plus. Working from home can make you feel a bit like a shut-in. I find myself ordering from Am.azon

Unsettled

2012-01-12T09:57:00.001-08:00

It seems rather unreasonable to be sitting at 19 weeks (whew!) still talking about Baby M in terms of "if" instead of "when." The odds are low that the Ocho will not pass next week's anatomy scan. I absolutely know this fact and cannot embrace it. It's becoming a problem. Whatever protection mechanism I've built seems to be as impenetrable Captain America's shield. I know what I should feel. I

Sourdough

2012-01-05T06:42:00.001-08:00

While I have made many new discoveries about this east coast existence, I find myself on this twenty degree dreary Philadelphia day pining for the cold wet fog and sourdough of home. I made my first batch of bread two days ago and despite its lovely condition, it lacked the zing of the usual loaf I made at home. And despite having a wildly popular and delicious bakery less than 200 yards from my

A New Year A New Hope

2011-12-30T05:55:00.000-08:00

It was during the hours after the clock ticked to 2010 when I collapsed into puddle of tears. It was the tenth anniversary of Misfits and the trailing end of pregnancy 5. I had lost connection with one person I'd confided in and faced that gaping hole of my fifth miscarriage and second D&C alone. My first blog post on the 7th of January was the night of the procedure and penned in desperate need

Not Freaking

2011-12-26T06:31:00.000-08:00

My results came in for the penta screen. I can't say that I have the odds of a younger woman, but at least everything came back age appropriate. Admitting that I will be 39 at delivery has a flavor of advanced maternal age that I still find hard to comprehend. Tempering that thought with the equally incomprehensible idea of giving birth altogether. Who is this person facing this problem again?

Clueless Christmas

2011-12-19T11:41:00.001-08:00

This year, we are getting the MIL a camera. It's a tremendous gift from us and given that I'm an advanced beginner camera nut, it is a great gift to get from the Misfits. For the past 11 years, we've heard the MIL do the following: "Mr. MIL, get your camera.""Where's your camera? I want a picture of this.""We should get a picture of this. Where's your camera, Mr. MIL?"Multiply those comments by a

A Day of Vampires & Tests

2011-12-15T14:56:00.001-08:00

We met with the genetics counselor, who took us through the statistical trisomy circus. She explained that while technically, our odds were really based on my age group, that there was sporadic evidence that any numbers that a non-RPL'er would see could be double for a woman with a history of chromosomally abnormal miscarriages. Can I get a habitual aborter high five? Woo-hoo. We were offered the

Just in Time

2011-12-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

I had a moment where I sat across from the new OB and thought he was a complete asshole. Telling me I need to think HARD about doing an amnio after 7 miscarriages. I mean, no shit. Thinking HARD is what I do. Making hard decisions has been the rule, so what of it? I make the rounds looking at the four clocks in his office (of which only 1 is working) and the general untidiness of it. I see

Thanksgiving, In-law Style

2011-12-05T16:29:00.000-08:00

I may have mentioned this before, but it is important to the tale and worth the repeat. My MIL almost qualifies as a food hoarder. She's not to the point where she need intervention, but her and her husband have a full fridge in the house that is always chock full and another full size fridge (that seems slightly over temperature), without an inch of room to spare, AND a full size upright freezer

The Four Week Wait

2011-12-05T05:33:00.000-08:00

Once I stopped feeling all kinds of sorry for myself, which took days, I have come around to a place of learned ambivalence. Back to the "it what it is" attitude. Someone asked for a timeline, and I feel like that might help to clarify how inconveniently timed our Ocho has been. And goes to show how much humor the universe has.4w moving truck arrives4w2d one way ticket to PA7w back in CA to wrap

Amnio questions?

2011-11-30T06:18:00.000-08:00

I seems that traveling between Christmas and New Years is throwing a wrench into testing. I was hoping to schedule for 15 weeks, but of course that's not gonna happen. OF COURSE! I begged for the NT scan to no avail, pleaded for an earlier appointment, and here I am with an appointment in January. The earliest they would schedule me would be Dec 27th, which is also a shitty appointment in terms

Feeling the Fraud

2011-11-29T11:08:00.001-08:00

Nothing like a room full of pregnant ladies to make you feel like a fraud. The waiting room at the OB office was just that, full to overflowing with mid-to-late pregnant bellies. It took some time to get the OB up to speed after she asked whether my medical records had arrived from California. I have been procrastinating on requesting them, mostly because of the hassle I had last time that took

Abiding Time

2011-11-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

Last Thanksgiving, I was with my sister in Seattle, avoiding a very pregnant SIL and all kinds of family land mines. Something most everyone out here who finds this blog can relate to. Holidays are just hard. The thought of being with a family with the ghosts of wished-for children is a special place of hell.I am about 12 weeks this week. I'm not being coy, just not really sure how old Ocho is at

Deep Breath

2011-11-17T11:44:00.001-08:00

Despite the full-blown inquisition unloaded on Dr. C, it appears that Ocho continues to grow with a heart that beats. I asked specific questions on placenta, size, gestational sac, and anything else that has ever crossed my mind as a problem for me or anyone I've ever known. All normal. All fine. Ocho did not give us a dance, which of course I find concerning, but I understand that just because

Imposters

2011-11-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

I wanted to catch up with all of the thoughts rolling around in my head. I go looking for words and they are gone.From the meltdown with the Mr. about being depressed, to the awful empty gut drop feeling I get thinking about facing another scan alone. It's a hot mess of emotion.Facts: appointment at 9 am, driving friends to airport who are not aware of our situation, meetings at work in the

Another Week of Wait

2011-11-10T14:29:00.001-08:00

I will admit to this week being rather long when it comes to worry. I forget about 95% of the time about Ocho's training schedule, but that 5% of time that I recall consumes me like a flame touched to fuel-soaked coal. If it's any clue to my mindset, the (hopefully) final visit with the RE next week has another buffer built in for a D&C. It's the habitual aborter "be prepared" badge. It's all the

That Awkward Phase

2011-11-07T10:19:00.001-08:00

I have canceled this week's follow up scan with the PA doctor and will see Dr. C back in California next Thursday to confirm whether I can "graduate." As I went through my appointment with Dr. Philly, I gave my long list of things I take, including the Vit. D, and mentioned that I had been recently tested for my levels. Two days later I received a lab slip to get Vit. D tested by THIS doctor, and

Supporting Details

2011-11-03T05:12:00.000-07:00

Let's start with the weekend and the snow. I would like thank the east coast for the freaky hello weather. Makes a California person feel right at home. And by right at home, I mean freaked out. The snow itself was no biggie, but our 4x4 with almost bald tires caused a problem. A half block from the apartment, with no one around, the car started drifting into oncoming traffic. I was driving and

Ocho Not Dead

2011-11-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

He's measuring 9w and I saw the heart beating. They didn't measure, but it looks like between 160 and 180 from my counting while the doctor yammered on.Misfits are very grateful for uncharted territory and pleased to officially put Ocho on the roster rotation for 2012. He might make it, he might not. But, we are blessed that he's chosen to stick around for a bit. And, starting to hope that it

What If?

2011-11-01T05:38:00.000-07:00

I stand at the precipice once again. The marathon where I break down, sprain an ankle, or get pushed off course and kicked out of the race. The difference between getting the scan and not getting a scan is knowing. Something at mid-week of the 8-9 mileposts that seems further than we've ever been in the running. Or at least the part where we know we are still in the running. The Mr. asked what

Lending some love

2011-10-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

If you follow Jennifer, you already know that she's had bad news this weekend on her miracle post-failed IVF pregnancy. I can't help but point out that this recurrent loss business is a holy hell unlike any other. If you haven't already, drop by and give her what kind words you can and let her know she's not alone in this.

Ocho's Next Bout Scheduled: Dia de los Muertos

2011-10-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

After two hours on the phone, being shuffled between scheduling, some lady named Helen, and finally a new patient admission person, I am set for noonish on All Saint's Day, or in my old haunts as the Day of the Dead.I said early on that Ocho needed to buck superstition in order to survive. He's (hopefully) survived 7 flights since conception, which was a huge mental barrier for me and the number

Greater Than

2011-10-24T10:16:00.001-07:00

I have been tempted often to buy this shirt. Not because I feel all superior, but because it's funny. Math is funny. Which leads to a funny story... When I learned the whole < vs. > symbol usage, I was told to think of them as tiny jaws, chomping away at a number. Greater than (>) meant that the mighty number on the right devouring the morsel on the left. It's might was greater than it's

Ocho Round Two

2011-10-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

Not dead.Measuring on track for 7 weeks. No number for heartbeat, as the doctor said that she had just attended a conference that convinced her to omit measuring too early (WTF?). But, nice and fast in her words. Referred to another RE in Philadelphia for one more scan. So, Ocho is not out of his training gear just yet.I am relieved with a small flicker of hope in this contender. Not planning his

Are We There Yet?

2011-10-19T19:07:00.001-07:00

I told the Mr. last night that I wished that I didn't have a scan on Thursday. Something about not spotting and having usual pregnancy symptoms has lulled me into a calm place. When I think of tomorrow's results, my mind and heart boil. The recurrent part of this business means that I'm probably totally fine, until all of a sudden I'm not. And tomorrow is the first of many more bouts for Ocho,

Easy Queasy

2011-10-14T07:20:00.001-07:00

Ocho continues to remain silent, plotting his next battles with formidable foes like Sen~ior Wanderos. Who touts a trademark move of twirling in his latex mask with his famous sonic boom smackdown. I am hoping that he meets him head on next week and gives a good show. But, with as many contenders as I've seen come through my camp here, it's anyone's guess how he'll do. I am a nervous patron,

California Expatriate Tales

2011-10-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

Our stuff slated for temporary housing arrived yesterday. The driver said, "wow, you have really amazing stuff on this truck...what are you doing in a place like this?" As he gestures to our apartment complex. The Mr. and myself just had to laugh, because that's a question we've been asking ourselves.My current work-at-home situation gives me a view of a commuter rail line parking lot. It's 50

Vitamin D Result updated

2011-10-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

For the record, pre-preggo status, I was supplementing Vit D. with 2,000 iu. Call it what you will. Dr. Misfit was on a mission.I stopped at the positive test. And the draw was about 6 days after my last dose. The result: 28 ng/mL (normal range 25-70 ng/mL)The nurse just said this is considered normal, but literature has shown that having this higher can be beneficial and put me on 1,000 iu.I'm

Snippets and Friday's Beta

2011-10-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am writing this from our temp home in PA. The farewell even with the MIL was hard. There was a message on our home phone filled with sobbing and the words, "I'm so depressed." Hi! Hello! Not allowed to dump your baggage on us. We can't afford the fees to check them for our flight as it is. More on that as I process.I was scheduled for my Vit D test on Friday, which was the full move day. The

Step Dos, Bueno

2011-09-28T16:48:00.001-07:00

Ocho has held in there to score a fat 271 in his beta round. He could be on the ropes in there, just barely hanging on, but at least he's hanging on. Spotting has lightened up today, so he's looking a bit recovered, but with all things, I tend to think it's a small break before another battle with bleeding. On the interesting notes from today's call with Dr. C (who called me herself, btw), I

Ocho's First Fight: Seeing Spots

2011-09-27T15:45:00.001-07:00

Our Lucha Libre "Ocho" has come out of his first bout a bit bloody. Pink in fact. And for a wee little guy, I hope he's putting up a fight. Spotting at this point is never a good sign, but somewhat par for the Misfit Mexican wrestler (or baby) training course. It does not mean that he won't grow up to be the contender for "take home baby." It does mean that he's off to a rockier start than I'd

So Much for Superstition - Dia de los Numeros

2011-09-26T15:06:00.001-07:00

In this messed up world of recurrent loss you have conversations that start with, "with number 3 I had that strong of a line." And, "I sort of wish I kept the last one's HPTs to compare to this one." I will update with the last two tests for examination later tonight. Sorry to have kept you all hanging on the Ocho back there, but you needed a sense of just how shocking this was. Did I mention

Ends and Beginnings - The Ocho

2011-09-25T18:52:00.000-07:00

Our house is a whirlwind of contractors. New electrical, new plumbing (a fixed gas leak!), and a spiffy kitchen sprucing that leaves me wondering why I was so lazy before this. It's one heck of a cheap upgrade, but our house feels nice all of a sudden. Too bad that we turn if over to the tenants in a month. Did I mention that I have grout on my elbows and in my hair? I do. I may not be the

7 boots (repost)

2011-09-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

The new blogger interface? Sucks. Sorry for the dead link if you got that.Since I lost my text waxing on about facing my shoe demons as I prepare to pack, I will sum up that I have decided that I have too many shoes. The first step is admitting you have a problem, no?The thing most folks won't know about me is how picky I am about shoes. I lean toward funky stuff and I'll admit that I've had to

Part II: The Things You Do for Love

2011-09-06T14:26:00.001-07:00

It's been weeks. I know. I am in a depresso-fugue-funk at present. First, thank you all for your support and sharing of the stories. Gah, courage? When I feel low I just go back and read my last post comments. It's there in spades. I guess if we can face freaking infertility, what's a little snow? Back to the story...After evaluating the job market for evil scientists, the Mr. came to the

Mutant Genes Strike Again

2011-08-25T10:19:00.001-07:00

A quick note as I poke my head out from a pile of work. I did testing at 23.and.me (I know someone who works there) and it came back with interesting stuff. First, for anyone doing RPL testing, if you want to know if you have the MTHFR issue, $99 solves that question definitively. What was interesting was knowing what I have a genetic propensity for inheriting from my parents, melanoma, etc,

Part I: How One Decides to Move 3K Miles

2011-08-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

I am sneaking time from cleaning the bathroom, letting Mr. Bubbles scrub the scum that the Mr. refuses to see, a task I am doing in preparation for the MIL, who is leaving on a few weeks trip to the holy land and using our house as a launch pad to the airport and staying overnight. More on that I suspect coming in Part III of this series. Two plus weeks ago, Friday, find out Mr. is laid off or

Briefly

2011-08-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

The Mr. signed paperwork. We will be adding our names to the list of Philadelphia residents in x number of days. Why x? We have zero idea how fast or slow it will be before we go. Work is consuming everything I've got. And the thought of all of the things we need to do to get the house rented steals more sleep than it should. So many of you reminded me that NYC is a doable distance from Phila,

Filly In Philly looking for Foal

2011-08-09T07:16:00.000-07:00

I ought to say mare, but could not resist the title. So far, it looks like we will be calling PA home for a few years. I was scheduled for follow up appointments and tests, but I think that the Mr. willed be called on deck too soon to make CA IVF doable. Many thanks for neighborhoods and tips on food. Now if you recommend clinics and any RE, let me know. If you have experience with particular

Coming Round the Mountain

2011-08-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Full stop. The period kind. I believe that my reset button might be unsticking.Popping in to say I am drowning at work and want to apologize profusely for neglecting comments.My stripper of an assistant is less helpful than she seemed and I am in full swing in terms of balls to the wall. Okay, work-wise...pedal to the metal. Whatever. It bites, how ever you put it. (Will explain the stripper bit

Deals with the Devil

2011-08-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

What we feared would happen happened. The Mr. was given the choice to switch coasts, or be terminated from employment in October. Our IVF benefits go away if his job goes away, and if his job goes away, our ability to pay for fertility treatment is also gone. To say that it has been a rough weekend of "what if" talks. Heavy stuff.I will say that most people in our shoes would think this dilemma

Biggest Loser

2011-07-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

I had the appointment with our RE. I grilled her on any other possible thing I could do to. The answer was firmly no. The discussion went from how my eggs were still at fault, running down to the donor egg discussion. The only good thing that came from my visit was the the RE was able to get the endocrinologist appointment moved up one full month. I see her next Thursday. She said at some point

Putting the Ass in Passive (Aggressive)

2011-07-19T16:37:00.001-07:00

I love my mother, but she's a person who doesn't speak up when things bother her, and she is never straightforward in her opinions. I have spent a lifetime working on my relationship to bring her into adult emotionland, where we say what's on our mind, and we deal with our feelings. It's been a rough process and worth it. And yet, for all that work, I am here to train yet another mother, my

Grass is not greener

2011-07-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

I had my first panel done today for allergies. I was going to have them skip the seasonal and environmental tests, but they did my trouble foods along with the full panel. I suspected I was allergic to olive trees, as walking near one will send me into a sneezing fit, and my MIL's nouveau faux tuscan retirement villa is filled with these trees. One hoped that I was allergic to the MIL, but it

Waiting Room

2011-07-08T11:22:00.001-07:00

I am getting my allergies tested. It's long overdue. I am almost certain that I will be allergic to things that give me rashes like soy and certain meats. I just want science to prove this to me.One artifact of these few years of struggle to build a family is going to doctors. OB/Gyn, Dermatologist, and RE have been in regular rotation with visits averaging in the more than once a month over

What Matters

2011-07-05T10:59:00.001-07:00

The Mr. returned from a week long trip on the heels of our flaming week of rottenness. I had to deliver the "normal" news over the phone, during work. And with the 3 hour time difference, it's been hard for us to catch up emotionally. I spent almost all of last Sunday floating in a sea of tears. And, without him around, it was a very lonely week. I booked us a room in SF for the weekend. Knowing

Rotten News

2011-06-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

There are a few other folks out here in anonymous bloggy land that know my Clark Kent daytime ego. But, there's only one other blogger who I've met in real life before meeting her via the blog. Sadly we met because we attend the same group for recurrent losses in our area. She's been a great support during hard times and when we met, I'd just lost my fifth and she'd lost her second (I think). We

Results Tomorrow updated again with test info

2011-06-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

I looked up the outside lab that analyzed our products of conception. Their website said 7 days for results. I had itchy dialing fingers today, but refrained from pestering the office. Dr. C. said two weeks of waiting. I hoped that they were sandbagging, and it appears that my hope was right. I came hope to find a message on the home answering machine from her. Which really annoyed me to no end.

The Wall

2011-06-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

I have one super ability, and it's rotten. I can survive like an apocalyptic emotional cockroach. When thing go south, my inner shell goes up and the Kevlar goes on. Fucking dare to hit me.I made it through the brief visit at the brother-in-law's party. Taking a turn to hold my niece actually filled me with some hope that what we are going through now is to win that lottery. What was hard was to

The Clueless Check In

2011-06-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

We decided yesterday to attend the Brother-in-law birthday, citing a need to see friends clause despite said friends knowing what hell this week has been. There are several friends as old or older than us who have successfully brought forth the fruit of their loins this year, so we expect that it will be rough. But, we've decided to attend late, when the party is winding down, crying children

To Say Thanks

2011-06-22T09:57:00.001-07:00

Part of what kept me going yesterday was the wonderful comments that flooded my inbox. I was overwhelmed with love and support. I cannot express enough thanks. There is simply no words for the kindness. But, thank you. I failed to mention how shook up Dr. C. was on Monday during our scan. The Mr. said she had welled up close to tears as she was talking to us. I was focused on my toes, whatever,

Today

2011-06-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

I scheduled the D.&.C for this morning. There is a deep well of thought and emotion to ponder at some point, but that time is not now. I had a long day at work to get through after hearing our news yesterday. I barely made it to 5 before coming home and attacking the jungle of our backyard. It felt good to focus on weeds. I'd break down sobbing periodically, but doing something with my hands

The House Wins (again)

2011-06-20T09:43:00.001-07:00

Our odds were about 1 in 5 that lucky seven would make it. All in all, it's a pretty safe bet. We've heard two very normal appointments with normal heartbeat measurements, and went into today's appointment with a little more confidence.I knew before Dr. C told us. The ultrasound screen was flat.Our fragile little beat is gone.

In Between Worry and Wait

2011-06-16T14:15:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I've covered the Clueless camp (aka Mr.'s brother and sister-in-law). Some of this is a recap, and I'll apologize for the repetition, but stick with me, I'm going somewhere.Mr. Clueless has a birthday coming up and it's high production event that has been subsidized by Misfit labor for at least 10 of the past 11 years. Mr. Misfit mans a grill like nobody's business. Secrets

Still on the Road

2011-06-13T10:43:00.001-07:00

I spent much of last week stalled. I couldn't think or sleep without running into a wall of doom. I thought that once we had one normal start to a pregnancy that I would take some comfort in making progress. What I didn't expect was a whole new terror. A welcome fear, but something beyond my imagination. There's no safe place to stand with this one. No rain slicker, no safe place to stand when

The Beat

2011-06-03T10:09:00.001-07:00

The six week freakout came a little early. I was standing over a blood tinged bowl yesterday and making myself sick feeling that this pregnancy is doomed. Catastrophically doomed. I went home early and melted into a pool of grief. At some point earlier this week, I'd made the decision to keep the six week ultrasound appointment, and if I'd had a way to do it yesterday, I would have held up a

Five Week Friday Freak Out

2011-05-27T14:34:00.001-07:00

I'm good. Just going with the flow. Getting through my days. Ignoring that I'm pregnant. I'm tuned to the all zen channel all the time. I epitomize calm. Until I don't.Faster than you can say schizophrenic chicken the OHMYGODIMGONNAGOTHROUGHANOTHERLOSS pendulum knocks me back a few squares.The progesterone suppositories are pink and and have been entertaining for the bathroom oil slick and all

Waiting Game

2011-05-24T17:22:00.001-07:00

There are two week waits, and then there's this bit. Knowing you are pregnant and not knowing if you'll stay pregnant. And this particular stretch of waiting time is the entire sum of most of my experience as a pregnant lady. For the record, let's add up what was different with this round:1. Mr. on antioxidant vitamins in an effort to improve any hypothetical sperm dna* fragmentation.2. Me with

Double Double (updated)

2011-05-19T16:18:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd let y'all off the hook instead of waiting to post my chart. I came back at 199 today, so more than doubling. (Insert small victory dance/swagger, and a tremendous sigh of relief.)To Fran's point on my last post, I did promise this one a name and I'm working on it. We've had Snowball, Snowball Jr., Bean, and Sprout before we stopped with names. Snowball was a joke that sort of (

By the Numbers: First Beta

2011-05-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

HCG: 80.9 (when did my clinic start going a decimal point deep?) Prog: 29 TSH: pendingAnd as part of my what-does-that-number-mean personal beta calculations, I realized in my "head in the sand" approach to ignoring dates and anniversaries, I've missed some pretty interesting things about my own fertility patterns. I also have 4 previous normal beta rising times to compare my current rise against

Mirages

2011-05-16T14:21:00.001-07:00

On Friday, I was supposed to go to a show with the Mr. It was one of those things where we've been in huge rut of no cool things to do when we go out. He'd put his foot down, insisting that we attend this rock and roll show or else. I said I wasn't going. He pouted. I offered up a few other shows over the next week. He pouted. We finally agreed to my going, but that I would get a nice long nap to

Seven

2011-05-16T08:23:00.001-07:00

I have no words, so I will just resort to the numbers. First HPT at 11 DPO on CD 25. Welcome to the big dipper (the world's most unreliable and challenging roller coaster). Please keep your arms inside the cart during the ride and secure small items as they can and will fall out. Please fasten your seatbelts, we will be underway shortly.

Stunt Doubles, Bad Juju, and Open All Night

2011-05-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

The boss has checked in and things were looking better and then today, a bit worse. I know how hard this is for her, and I make an effort to just tell her not to worry. I still don't know what her plan is on coming back. If it were me, a job would be very much the last thing on my mind.I had the conversation with the boss's boss who I now report to. For this week. Before she goes on maternity

That Kind of Week

2011-05-05T17:06:00.001-07:00

It looked like the boss was just going to be on bedrest, and then she gives birth last Saturday. He's Things are touch and go for her littlest guy, and I know enough from reading all of those brave ladies stories out there what she faces in the coming months. I am terrified for her. I am keeping things rolling, which has further increased my long days. I am looking on the horizon and being

That Kind of Day

2011-04-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

Work has been crazy busy. I am working 50 hour weeks and that's creeping to upwards of 60. I know. Lawyer hours, right? Except I don't get paid by the hour. Stressful. Not old-job-kill-me stressful, but stressful in that I just have a lot on my plate to get done in a very short window. I am the banjo, the drums, and the intermission entertainment. Beyond a one-woman-band, I am a one-woman-circus.

Crap. Benched. Hello June!

2011-04-25T21:01:00.001-07:00

I am on hold at least one more month. Just a few notes on why this is frustrating:1. Call us when you get your period. This actually means, "call us any day of the week that you get your period." Which if your period arrives on a Friday night, means that your scan is Easter morning. Church, smurch...2. We are going to put you on injectables. This actually means that they are going to give you a

Pity Party Hat

2011-04-21T11:44:00.001-07:00

I don't know why one pregnancy announcement put me over the edge. Why is it that when one of you (gesturing to those previously infertiles and pregnant in the audience) gets pregnant, I feel a good deal of joy. Of course I want VERY much to be one of you, but the feeling I have is a warm one. The "when will it be my turn" question creeps into my selfish pig-head. And if it didn't, I would think

For Our Next Act: The RE Visit

2011-04-18T16:37:00.001-07:00

Otherwise, known as bring on the needles...[Fertility Cafe 2011, Spring.]"Waiter? Bring out a "spunk junk" test assortment for the Mr., and some instruction on how to use these fancy syringes you specialize in at this joint. As an appetizer, I hear the AMH number is divine...tell me again what's in that? Oh, and for our entree, I'll have Meno.pur to start, with side of Mr. Wandy. (You know I like

One Word: Plastics (updated with link)

2011-04-11T10:20:00.001-07:00

In an effort to scale down and simplify my life, I relegated my fancy coffee maker to the pantry. Making a whole pot of decaf when you have a husband who drinks tea, makes zero sense. And yet, I did this for years until recently when I bought a stainless steel kettle. Our mornings have become a time where we commune over the various hot drinks together. I know that brewing by the cup is all the

Houston we've got "O"

2011-04-06T22:18:00.001-07:00

I'm going to file this post under perfectly useless information about me. On day 14, we finally got the one-eye monster on the CBEFM. It's the latest I've ever O'd, so not sure what that means about me or my cycle. And for this moment, I'm just going to roll with it. I will have to take the HPT this month as that short luteal phase did a number on my confidence. I've never been one to get worked

Gimme Shelter

2011-04-05T10:46:00.001-07:00

I finally finished our taxes for last year. I have begged the Mr. to get us a tax planner, and here I sit, many years later, still doing the tax work myself. We are really uncomplicated, so it makes sense that I can use something like tax preparation software. We need a tax person to help make us complicated, if that makes sense. When you see a chunk of taxes the size of my starting salary a few

Hope on a rope

2011-03-31T10:51:00.001-07:00

I am buoyed by good news out there with folks getting yolk sacs, rising betas, and DOCTORATES (freaking WOW Augusta!).The CBEFM is back in rotation this cycle. I limped back to my acupuncturist as of last Tuesday. (My yin was all that was out of whack, whatever the hell that means.) I am now know as "double shot" at the juice place, even if I think wheatgrass puts the ass in ass nasty. (Shudder.)

Enough Bad News

2011-03-23T09:33:00.001-07:00

Old News: Today is CD1. Which means my cycle is now shortened to 24-25 days. Of course I feel like I am spiraling into early menopause based on this one fact. I've made the RE appointment for April 18th. This is the first four month stretch devoted to TTC where we have not gotten pregnant. It's time to move on to bigger things. It's also been almost a year since my last pregnancy. It's been nice

New Normals

2011-03-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

I simply cannot describe the depth of emotional complexity that's unraveled in two weeks with dealing with my mom. Last weekend, I gave her the "take care of yourself" lecture, and this weekend involved me listening and getting her to ask for help. Within an hour, I had her set up to get help with my aunt and uncle and a sworn oath for her to take it one day at a time. Fussing with external

Mom's Fine

2011-03-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

It was worse than they thought, so her recovery will be longer. I started to cry when they said she'd need to wear the colostomy bag for six months before they could reverse the surgery. I know this is standard care. I also know how very sorry she's going to feel for herself. I know how I would feel.I am doing my best to ignore pregnant bellies at work and was able to dodge the children question

Exhausted and Angry

2011-03-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

Mom looked better than she has in a long time. Which tells me that she's really been unhealthy for years now. She's strung up on a liquid diet and prepped for surgery on Wednesday. I won't be there.My mom is a determined giver. She's been there for everybody. I would normally mimic this right back, and honestly, if I wasn't in a new job and if I wasn't so far away, I probably still would. I hope

Shit. My Boss' Boss is Also Pregnant

2011-03-11T11:38:00.001-08:00

The head of our group, the person to whom my boss reports to, is pregnant. Evidently she was not showing when I interviewed with her and she's been out this week. Well, I am sure I looked rather dumb when she greeted me and my jaw dropped. She's clearly around 5 months along. Shit. On the good side, maybe it's catching. On the bad side, these two are due within a month of each other. Sink or swim

Lady Luck on Holiday

2011-03-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

I had a call from my mom around ten last night. i could tell from her message that it was bad news. She's in the hospital.She's got diverticulitis and has been in the hospital before. This time there's a perforation (colon and bladder?) and she's having surgery. And here I am three days into my brand new job.I talked with my pregnant boss today and have cleared to work remotely if I need to go

Pregnant Boss

2011-03-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

Three posts in a day! Unheard of.So my biggest fear in my last job was to have my boss who was also my friend show up one day to tell me that she's pregnant after trying the first time. The thought that she would be pregnant after me working there YEARS and having so many miscarriages was enough that when I was thinking of jumping ship, that fact was a high consideration. In sharp contrast to

Niece + Birthday

2011-03-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

Jetlagged and generally grumpy Misfits went to visit the niece. The Clueless family is holding up quite fine and from our vantage point, doing a fabulous job given that their world is upside down and sleep deprived. The baby is adorable and looks just like the Mr. and his brother...very dark Italian and furry. I think that there was some thought that the kidlet would take on some of Mrs. Clueless

Guten Tag

2011-03-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

We've returned from our whirlwind Europe trip. I got my period on my birthday, which allowed me to enjoy our long day exploring Rhine castles. Paris was delightful as a distraction.Our niece was born on the day before my birthday and three days after her mum's. I keep talking about my luck bubble, but damn. Did we dodge a bullet or what? Even in Germany, we were roped into the drama. Water

Relieved and Worried

2011-02-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

The first few days after leaving my job have been some of the most relaxing I've had in years. I had no idea how many excuses I made to be grateful for having my job and how that fog of fake gratitude obscured my deep hate for the work I was doing. I've only felt this way once before, when I broke up with my college boyfriend. Our relationship lasted four years and I was sad, very, very sad, but

Quitting Countdown

2011-02-17T11:32:00.001-08:00

I have been a terrible commenter. I know. Thanks for hanging with me. Wrapping up work has been a pain in the ass. At this point I ought to be doing more online shopping and commenting, but I'm frantically pushing out the last project that I tried desperately to get done over these past four years. Evidently, the way to get things done with our engineering team is to quit. Who knew? The guilt

11: Thwarting Jinxes

2011-02-14T14:14:00.001-08:00

You'd think that someone who has been so unlucky, would stop believing that anything she can say or do would would somehow "jinx" the outcome in her life. I do not tell people my wish when I blow out the candle. I don't talk about a job that I really want before they make an offer. I don't dare to dream about a future and remain focused on the NOW in a determined effort to keeping the elusive

Mrs. Disingenuous-ality

2011-02-09T11:33:00.001-08:00

It took a few days to decompress after the initial shock of baby bombardment. But, it finally dawned on me what the worst thing that happened at the shower was. Itchy sweaters aside.I've talked before about how my MIL is a step-grandma. She's even a step-great-grandma. Mind you she's been in these grandchildren's lives since they were babies. Changed diapers, given birthday gifts, and spend

Super Bawl

2011-02-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the MIL left a message. She was feeling ill and asked me to arrive an hour early to the shower to help out. This coupled with a message asking for the Mr. to bring surf videos for Mrs. Clueless to play during childbirth sent me down an extremely dark path. The Misfits are part of the menu you order off of. "How can I provide you with excellent service today?" My plan to arrive late and

Change

2011-02-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

It's official. Finito, done, and quited. It went better than expected and worse in some. I was chided for my only giving two weeks given my "senior" role. Whatevs. The have had me for four years, one more week will not make that much difference. Bear in mind that I will set them up to have a good six weeks before the biz feels my departure. I wrote a job description for the job that I *should* be

Two Weeks

2011-02-02T22:16:00.000-08:00

This will be an entirely new sort of TWW. Tomorrow, I plan to finally corner my elusive boss and give her my notice. I feel bad for the timing of all of this, but there is never a good time to end a job. And given the amount of vacation I'll be cashing out, this would be the same situation if I were to take a vacation. I have been overloaded for a year, and when you accrue 4 weeks of vacation a

SIL Shower Teaser

2011-02-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

First, thank you ALL for your support here. The part where I can entertain you with my messed up situation has helped me dread it less. I'm sure it will be just fine, but if it's not, well, I'll be happy to have you laugh and cry along with me.So, as a teaser to the weekend's main event and in case any of you think I can make this up. I give you the description of the list. You ought to be able

Early Bloody Hag & The Plan

2011-01-31T15:45:00.001-08:00

I had to check my calendar closely after feeling crampy and seeing red in the TP inspection. Bloody Hag has shown up a bit early. I looked back at my last two cycles to see why things are so wonky, and it looks like the progesterone enhanced cycle put me at a 30 day cycle and this one is rounding up at 25, with my period arriving 13ish days after ovulation. The trust I have in my body has further

Leaving Here

2011-01-31T10:37:00.001-08:00

I like the Who version and the Birds much better, but I'll let Lemmy say it for me. Now for the exit strategy...

Decisions: Take this Job and Shove It?

2011-01-28T15:35:00.001-08:00

Arrgh. Okay, calming down.I got the job. Now I need to make up my mind by Monday if I want it. There is a long list of pros and cons, but after such a frustrating week, I expect the pros to win out.What I do not understand AT ALL is the feeling I have of guilt about wanting to leave my current employer. I have spent more than four years at this company and they are finally getting around to doing

Getting On

2011-01-26T18:48:00.000-08:00

First. Please drop by Starfish Kitty. She's just had a heartbreaking viability ultrasound.---I am 6 or 7dpo and perfectly convinced that I am not pregnant. I need to refill a prescription for the 'gesterone and couldn't bring myself to have to pack pills on a business trip and deal with cooter shooters. I know I will both regret the cocktails and the lack of taking meds should I be proven

Fantasy

2011-01-21T11:30:00.001-08:00

Along with the usual daydreams of both getting and staying pregnant, the past four years have also included a fervent desire to leave my job. I waited a year after starting work to start trying to have a baby in order to maximize my goodwill and enjoy a full FMLA. Granted, we wanted that one last fun trip to Europe before settling down. What fools we were. My fantasy back then was to be glowing

Punctuation

2011-01-19T16:04:00.001-08:00

I am trying to hire an evil minion to to my bidding. Unlike my usual ways to vet candidates, I attempted something new. I gave a test. Many, many of you are professors and teachers and I will just say that from my few applicants that have bothered to complete said test, I have lost much of my faith in our schools and their ability to teach grammar. I know some of you are itching to fix my post